GeekMom Zombie Apocalypse Countdown (8 Days to Go)

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Photo: Judy Berna

Today let’s talk about bunkers. Where exactly to you plan to hunker down 8 days from now, when the apocalypse is on the horizon? Have you loaded up on duct tape and plan to seal off your windows? The lack of air thing might make you think twice about that. I grew up in the middle of Missouri and we had tornado drills as often as we had math quizzes. I spent a good chunk of my childhood burrowed in a corner of our basement, praying that we wouldn’t get sucked up into the sky this time. But I don’t believe you can prepare for zombies like you can tornadoes. For one, zombies don’t simply “blow over”. There’s no radar map that will tell you when they are peaking and when they will move along the terrorize the next town.

In short, if you’re counting on your basement for shelter, I’d suggest you beef up the basement a bit before next week. Much like tornado shelter building, line the walls with canned food and water. Don’t forget medicines and first aid supplies. And pet food, if you don’t plan to use your pets for bait. A personal request:  pack a few dozen pair of underwear. As a courtesy to those who will be in close quarters with you for an unlimited amount of time. You’ll appreciate that fresh feeling when you’re on your tenth day of fighting off bloody zombies.

Consider covering every opening in your shelter, except the exit, with thick wood or boards. Most zombies are pretty docile and won’t be strong enough to break through a two inch board with their bare hands, but just in case you come across the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the zombie world, you want to be prepared.

Decide how you will guard the one opening. Will you construct some form of periscope, so you can see if the coast is clear before dashing out to empty the toilet bucket? Will you trust a strong dead bolt enough to sleep soundly at night? If you have little ones in your midst, consider purchasing a white noise machine. Zombies are driven by sounds and a whimpering child can be just the cue they need. If you have the white noise machine set on high, with forest noises or ocean waves, the intruders will assume they’re just hearing nature sounds. Of course no machine will cover up the noise of a fully crying toddler (trust me, we lived with some noisy babies in our day) so the back up plan should be a crate of bribery Tootsie Pops. These work well for crabby older children and husbands too. 

If you live near any of the houses on this list of the 12 Houses That Will Survive the Apocalypse,I’d suggest you pool your life savings and see if you can buy a spot in their bunkers. There are celebrity pads,but also isolated homes on tiny islands, several nuclear bomb missile bases and a guy who built a shelter out of 42 school buses, buried in the ground. I’m not kidding. Click on the link above. You won’t regret it.

Photo: Sothebys International Realty, NY

And here’s another list of 16 properties that are for sale that are guaranteed to withstand zombie attacks. If you jump on them today you should be able to sign the closing papers at the realty office by the 21st.

As I’m scrolling through the above properties, I’m reminded of some conversations I heard my sons having with their zombie planning friends over the past few years. First, they prefer a steep roof. If the sheltering inside thing doesn’t work out, sitting on a steep roof line will give you direct aim at the zombies before they can reach you. Of course this plan assumes you have good weapons or at least a good long pole to knock them off balance. Remember, some won’t have arms left so their clinging abilities are greatly reduced.

Another thought… zombies need brains to survive. They will prefer to hang out in well populated areas. Much like Katniss, it might be to your advantage to sneak off into the woods, as alone as you can get (with only the people who are very high on your priority to save list). Find an abandoned cave and hole up there for a bit. The only weapons you might need in this scenario are tools to keep other un-infected folks from wanting to join you. Remember the more bodies (brains), the more attractive you are to zombies. Kick their sorry butts out of your cave and tell them to go find their own cave.

If you live in a mountainous area like I do (Colorado) there should be plenty of un-inhabited patches of remote land to pick from. Be smart like the Native Americans and first settlers, and make sure you have a clean water source not more than a half mile away. And by all means, make sure there are no bears hibernating in the cave you’ve picked. The only thing worse than having your brains eaten by zombies, might be having your whole family mauled by a protective (very tired) mama bear.

I’m not sure what the consensus is on whether zombies can swim, or are smart enough to row a boat, but I’m thinking with all their exposed bloody body parts, deep water wouldn’t be their friend. If you know otherwise, please let us know in the comments below. That said, the houses on the above lists that are surrounded by water might be a good choice too. Sure, they’re out in the open, a bulls eye target for hungry zombies, but if they are inaccessible, the bloody guys will move on and try to track down those idiots who decided to hide in a cave.

Just for kicks, here’s an interesting idea in portable shelters that are advertised as zombie-proof. Maybe you can come up with a replica of some kind. Some discussion boards online suggest that staying on the move might be a good answer. They point out that a common tip you give when talking about hiking safety includes staying in one place. Because you’re harder to find when you’re wandering around. Since in this scenario you don’t want to be found, it might not be a bad idea to stay on the move.

Photo: Laura Mott

Many have also pointed out that staying close to a Costco or a Super Walmart would be wise. Even if several hundred (thousand) people have the same idea, those places are packed with food and supplies. It’s not like Black Friday, where everyone wants the same TV for forty bucks. Most of us would be happy with any boxes or cans of food we could load into our backpacks. Keep this in mind when planning your route.

Are you feeling pretty ready? Okay, challenge on. Click here to take a test that will judge your true readiness.

Here’s a nice little article written by Pat Kilbane, author of The Brain Eater’s Bible. He suggests several ideas as to how the zombie invasion might end, taking tips from popular movies and television shows.

There is so much more to cover on this topic so let’s continue tomorrow. I’ve kept you from work your break time long enough. This should give you a few ideas to chew on until we pick up again tomorrow. One parting thought, from my good friend Laura, posted on her Facebook page yesterday. At left.

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