These are the toys that, as parents, we wish we could make disappear forever into the black hole of nothingness–the ones that make us instantly wince and wonder “will the kid notice if this just happens to break?”
Mostly, they make noise. Repetitive noises. Noise that will haunt you in your sleep but a few are just bad or poorly designed toys, at least from a parent’s point of view.
Thanks to all the GeekMoms for the assist in listing their (un)favorites.
The Furby
This falls under the category of repetitive annoying noises made worse by the fact that while it’s supposed to look cute, but it looks more like a gremlin in training. Plus, it comes in multiple colors and sizes, all of which your kid might crave and, suddenly, there’s an army of talking, moving Furbys in your house! Do not feed them after midnight.
Fisher-Price® Brilliant Basics Corn Popper Push Toy
Look, Mom, I can push something! Go you, kid. Great motor skill development. I loved it as a kid. But as a mom? That incessant popping is not so good. Neither are those plastic wheels on good flooring. Plus, the thing is heavy and bangs into table legs and the feet of other children. Luckily, they’re heavy enough that most kids can’t pick them up and smash each other with them, though I’m sure many have tried.
Fisher Price Little People Fun Sounds Farm
Happy, happy farmers! Look at all the different types of animals they have. Look at all the sounds the animals make! I ask you, do real farmers sing along with their animals? No, they do not. Not over and over and over and over. Sorry, sweetheart, it must be out of batteries or something….
Tamagotchi
You modern parents will never have the lovely experience of your kids carrying around a key-chain sized toy that beeped and burped and demanded food and whatnot, and then, if your kid has a short attention span, died dramatically. This has the potential to end in tears. This toy was most likely given to your child by the relative who hates you the most.
Dress-up High Heels
They come in many brands and sizes and, oh, they look cute, until someone turns an ankle and it’s off to the doctor or the emergency rooms. They also make excellent projectiles, even more so than regular shoes. Double minus points if they come with a dress-up outfit made of clothing that scratches your kid.
All Those Toy Instruments
We could make this whole list about different kinds of toy instruments. Those drums that come with sticks that are inevitably used for other things, the tambourines that come with out-of-tune metal clashing, the plastic recorder where you can sorta play “Hot Cross Buns.” But the final circle of parent hell contains both a toy kazoo and a toy harmonica. NOOOOOO!!! Note to all parents: buy kids actual musical instruments so they can learn to play instead of causing a cacophony of annoyance.
Tickle Me Elmo
It has one advantage over the Furby, in that it was inspired by Sesame Street, a fine show. But it jingles and laughs and does it over and over, sometimes when you’re not even touching it. That’s freaky. Go away.
Leapfrog Hug & Learn Baby Tad Plush
Isn’t this toy special? It’s a talking plush toy that’s educational! It will teach your toddlers all the basic stuff. Loudly. Over and over. And unlike flash cards, your kids might even want to carry this around. And around. But, hey, in a war with Tickle Me Elmo and the Furby, this toy has some vague value. And maybe an army of Tads who know about shapes and colors could take down the demonic Furby.
PlaySkool Explore N Grow Busy Ball Popper
According to our resident Evil Genius Mum, her kids have found other items to use as projectiles. “My budding little scientists were not content with just spitting balls all around the room, they tried out other things, like small packets of tiny teddies (biscuits), bunches of grapes, and play dough (the worst when they found just the right ratio for the play dough quantity).” So far, her kids are three for three on jamming and breaking them.
Hallmark Merry-Okee Microphone Toy
Look, there’s a setting to “belt out your favorite birthday and celebration songs” in a hamster voice. A. Hamster. Voice. Need I say more? Just think of this video playing over and over in your house. Over and over.
So what’s your least favorite toy aka the toy most likely to be given to the kids whose parents are on your bad side?
Our Baby Tad was a nightmare – the kissing sound would randomly go off when you least expected it (without anyone touching it). I think the fabric and stuffing got bunched up around it. Would scare the heck out of you in a quiet room.
Anything by VTech. Sure you can turn them off, but it only makes annoying noises when your kid is actually pressing buttons right? Wrong. Several minutes or hours of silence later, it’ll make some creepy and loud noise that’ll wake the baby AND give you a heart attack in one go! The laptop is the creepiest of the bunch with a B-horror-movie laugh as the enticement to return to the toy. That’s the stuff of Nightmares.
Of course the kids love it…