Dear Walt Disney World: Your Toilet Paper Is Not Magical

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Hippos Animal Kingdom Disney World
Happy Hippos, not having to deal with toilet paper and such… photo by Corrina Lawson

I’m going to be talking about the quality of the toilet paper at Walt Disney World because, hey, it is hard to feel magical if certain areas of one’s body are not being treated properly. (One might even say it’s kinda… drum roll… crappy!)

It’s not only that I noticed the low quality of the toilet paper available at various Walt Disney World facilities. It’s also that I noticed the varying quality of said toilet paper. Let’s just say that the more you pay, the better your bum will feel.

Good and Bad Toilet Paper

I notice toilet paper quality. Yeah, that’s a thing. Why? Because cheap toilet paper is nasty. It’s harsh on your body parts (ouch!), it sticks to them in places you’d rather not have things stuck on (especially for women), and, worst of all, it sometimes doesn’t do the job, requiring either copious amounts of the paper or lots of hand washing after or both.

For my home, it’s always Charmin or Cottonelle, though I don’t care if it’s the scented or double-plus versions. All other brands of toilet paper are not up to snuff, so far as I’m concerned.  I want my toilet paper to feel good on the parts it’s supposed to wipe and I want it to do what it’s supposed to do.

Disney World and Inferior (Read: Cheap) Toilet Paper

Now, Disney World, I don’t blame you for using cheap toilet paper in your parks, at least not that much. That’s a volume business. I cannot even guess how much toilet paper you go through in a given day at the various Disney World parks. (Though, hey, I would be curious if you have that number handy.) In any case, I imagine paying even 20 cents extra per roll would cost into the hundreds of thousands, at least.

But when I stay on Disney World property, in a well-respected and well-reviewed hotel, I want nice toilet paper. I want high-quality toilet paper.

Our group of four spent the week at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, Jambo House. This is a fine facility, with a great pool, and that terrific Savannah where giraffes, wildebeests, and various antelope wander by. (Along with bunny rabbits who are thrilled predators aren’t in that enclosure.) The staff was gracious and helpful. The gift shop had a nice selection of exclusive stuff—I came home with a sweatshirt and mug not seen at any other Disney facility—along with things like bread and peanut butter and jelly.

But the toilet paper? No, no, and hell, no.

My hotel room paper was maybe one step in quality from the parks… though that’s doubtful. (I probably should have grabbed a sample from the parks and compared it to what’s in my hotel but, um, no I’m not that obsessed with toilet paper, okay?)

Still, the toilet paper in our hotel room was definitely not of Charmin or Cottonelle quality. It was still harsh, it still fell apart a bit during use, and while this may be TMI, let’s just say sometimes one had to shower to ensure certain areas are free of debris and leave it at that, okay?

Not a magical experience here, Disney.

Disney World Space Mountain
We made it back in time from the Grand Floridian to use our final fast pass at Space Mountain. Photo by Corrina Lawson

The Disney Toilet Paper Quality Revelation

I had no idea how much I was being shorted, toilet-paper-wise, until, on our last night at Disney, we decided to visit the Grand Floridian, to see the ultimate in Disney World quality. (And, also, the twins wanted to ride the monorail at least once.)

We agreed to aim for a quick service restaurant at the Grand Floridian, the Gasparilla Island Grill, which seemed to offer sufficient quality and variety that we would all be satisfied. Also, eating there would still give us enough time to get back in time to use the last fast pass of our Disney trip, at Space Mountain in the Magic Kingdom.

The Grand Floridian certainly lived up to all expectations.

Gorgeous lobby, that amazing staircase, those beautiful grounds, and the wonderful view of the lake. Gasparilla’s food was also a step above what was offered at a similar facility in Jambo House, especially the awesome chicken/ham/ sandwich special that I ate, though it was similar in price to equivalent sandwiches elsewhere in Disney. Not to mention there was a whole selection of cookies! Disney World, you’ve obviously been holding back on them for Jambo House. Boo! Animal Lodge needs cookies! Anyway…

It was when I used the restroom at the Gasparilla Island Grille that I truly realized that the Grand Floridian had higher standards than other areas of Disney World.

Because the quality of THAT toilet paper was excellent. Charmin-quality. Cottonelle-quality. It was soft and effective and, well, lovely to use. It even smelled nice, which I don’t demand, but was a good added touch.

Apparently, bums that don’t stay at the Grand Floridian are considered second-class, to judge by the toilet paper.

Walt Disney World, this just isn’t right.

I know, guests pay extra to stay at the Grand Floridian and to be on the monorail line and to have access to those extra cookies. I’m okay with having to take a monorail trip from the Magic Kingdom to find that last item. (Not really, but it’s probably better for my diet.)

But I’m not okay with having sub-par toilet paper in my hotel room.

Equal rights for the bums of guests staying at the other park hotels, please.

Thanks for listening, Disney World.

And get on this, please. The twins want to come back soon. Our bums will thank you.

Sincerely,

Corrina & family

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