Sith Lord Anxiety and ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’

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No Last Jedi for me  Image: Dakster Sullivan
No Last Jedi for me. Image: Dakster Sullivan

Hi. I’m Dakster Sullivan. I’m a member of the 501st Legion, Rebel Legion, own three movie-quality Star Wars costumes, and I will NOT be seeing The Last Jedi.

I’ve avoided the trailers, won’t let my husband talk to me about it, and have isolated myself as much as I possibly could from the story.

You see, I suffer from anxiety and depression and as a result, my mind has enough issues without adding to it the drama of a Jedi padawan and her gray-haired isolated master and sidekick droids.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh, but you have to understand, I have a history with these characters.

On a cruise ship in a galaxy not so far away…

In 2015 when The Force Awakens opened, I was on the Disney Dream and one of the lucky ones to see it Thursday night at sea. It was amazing. I loved it. Later on, though, my mind turned on me and I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I couldn’t shake the imagery of a character’s death. I couldn’t stop wondering what would happen and why Luke was playing the part of a hermit on the top of a cliff. It was an unhealthy obsession that ruined my night and carried over for days.

The Force Awakened something in me that night and it wasn't Jedi like.  Image: Dakster Sullivan
Before the movie. Afterwards, the force awakened something in me and it wasn’t Jedi-like. Image: Dakster Sullivan

Anxiety is caused by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being harmed or injured, fear of not being good enough, the list goes on. And any Star Wars fan knows that fear is the path to the dark side. After all, it was Yoda who taught us that,

Fear leads to anger. Anger leaders to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

It’s just that simple, yet also that complicated. Your mind turns on you, and since it’s your mind, you have nowhere to hide from it. Once it gets to the point that it got for me, nothing short of a knock-out drug will relieve the suffering.

I love Mark Hamill but I won't get to see his latest performance.  Image: Dakster Sullivan
I love Mark Hamill, but I won’t get to see his latest performance. Image: Dakster Sullivan

The best explanation I have for those of you who have never suffered in this way is the analogy of getting a song stuck in your head but for hours non-stop on the highest decibel your mind can reach. When it gets to the point you can’t hear your own thoughts, it’s enough to drive you crazy, and that night on the Disney Dream, I had a Star Wars nightmare.

Now I get it. This movie will be explaining a lot of stuff left to the void in The Force Awakens, but I’m no dummy. I know this movie will end on a cliffhanger just like the last one.

So I won’t be putting myself through that again. I’m a fan of Star Wars. I love the fandom and the history of the movies. In this case, though, my love of the galaxy far far away has to come second to my health. When the final movie comes out and it’s all out in the open, I’ll be happy to watch it all, but until then, may the force be with Rey, Fin, and the rest of the gang. I wish them well on their journey.

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