A new study published in the prestigious science journal Spurious Science has shown that 105% of parents want more educational apps for teaching letters and numbers zero through ten.
The study comes at a critical time for the app market, with the number of educational apps at an all time low. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” exclaimed kindergarten teacher Miss Kristeenah. “How else are we going to teach the little children to count? Why won’t anyone think of the children?”
The study confirms a long-standing fear that success in life is directly proportional to the ability of a child to write all 26 letters by age three. “I was searching the app store for hours trying to find good apps to train my child’s brain. My son has a hard time focusing on a single task for extended periods of time,” said Lara Tellavo about her 3-year-old son, Seattle. “He just can’t sit still to practice writing all the letters. My friend Samantha, she said her niece’s neighbor, who is only two years old, can already read Eric Carle books. I think Seattle has A.D.H.D. We really need to work with him on that with a lot of apps.”
Another parent echoed a similar story. “We use one app that sings the alphabet, one to match letters in a puzzle, one to trace the letters, and another one for phonics. But our 4-year-old just wants to go play outside. We’re stumped about how to get Sophia to learn her letters, we need more apps.”
However, a few parents present at the press release were critical of the study. “Is a sample group of 17 kids really large enough?” inquired some buzzkill asshole. “Oh yes,” reassured lead scientist Dr. Feelgood, “small sample sizes are so much more cost effective and get the same results anyway. In this economy, it’s just the responsible thing to do.”
“Isn’t 105% impossible?” asked a woman with a toddler in tow. “Well, as a woman I’m sure you can understand that math is really hard,” said scientist Dr. Feelgood. “We crunched the numbers and somehow ended up with 105%. It didn’t feel right, but we tried to get the exact same calculations a second time and got the same results.”
Another parent questioned the necessity of make everything so damn educational. “What about making games that are just fun, with an entertaining story line and well-designed gameplay?” Dr. Feelgood was nonplussed. “Surely you can’t be serious. And what’s next? Kids’ movies without a moral about the value of friendship?”
Dr. Feelgood said the next step is to study if there’s a need for additional apps that teach colors in three languages. “With the ability to translate blue-bleu-azul linked to a boost in IQ by more than 2.5 points on average, that’s really the question on everyone’s mind right now.”