In part one of this post, I covered fourteen fictional foods and their recipes. Now it’s time to turn to the potent (and not so potent) potables of our favorite far-off places.
On Higgins’ Moon in Firefly, there’s a lil’ ol’ city called Canton where the biggest export is mud, and to keep the mudders moving, this drink, far from “mother’s milk,” provides “all the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma’s best turkey dinner, plus 15% alcohol.” Our beloved knitted-hat-wearing big damn hero likes it too. Here’s one Mudder’s Milk recipe for you to try.
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster
It takes a two-headed guy to invent a drink that has an effect “like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick,” and that’s just what Zaphod Beeblebrox did for the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy universe. Not only are you likely to have trouble finding the real ingredients (Ol’ Janx Spirit, water from the seas of Santraginus V, Fallian marsh gas, and other delights, plus the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger to finish it off), Douglas Adams said in an interview that “there are a number of environmental and weapons treaties and laws of physics which prevent one being mixed on Earth.” That means you’ll have to choose one of the many Earth-bound imitations.
At one time you could buy Fry’s favorite beverage in Futurama, as Slurm was sold as an energy drink, but if you still want it, you’ll have to turn to eBay. It probably wasn’t squirted out of a real Slurm Queen anyway. This imitation recipe calls for rum, sour apple schnapps, pineapple juice, and 7-Up. Good luck with that. You might end up wishing for the Slurm Queen.
It’s the thirst mutilator! This drink from Idiocracy was also sold in a promotional version. Calorielab.com called the nuclear-green carbonated swill “aggressive,” “grainy,” and noted that although the advertising promised you a green tongue, the result was more of a “sickly yellow.” As tasty as that sounds, like Slurm, it’s no longer available. You can get a Brawndo coffee mug, though. Many of us drink coffee as slavishly as those in Idiocracy consumed Brawndo, so it fits.
I don’t have a recipe for you to fake your way to Brawndo, but the creators of the Brawndo drinking fountain aimed for the taste with Mio Energy drops. And if you do happen to have one of the promotional cans, here’s an Instructable for turning it into… well, a can.
The characters in Eureka often soothe their worries or start their mornings with a cup of Vinspresso at Cafe Diem. It sounds so charming when Vincent offers it and seems like it must be so much more delightful than an ordinary espresso. But when asked in his Reddit AMA what a Vinspresso was, Colin Ferguson answered, “decaf coffee.” Talk about letting the caffeine out of my cup. I’ll keep telling myself the decaf is just the set use for something much more magical, sip my espresso, and dream that Vinspresso is real and Eureka wasn’t actually cancelled.
Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar Ale
Lovecraft fans known the shoggoth as an amoeba-like monster. Neil Gaiman took the creature’s name and offered his stories’ tourists “Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar Ale.”
“Well, he thought, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, and he was certain it couldn’t be worse than the cherryade. He took a sip. The beer had the kind of flavour which, he suspected, advertisers would describe as full-bodied, although if pressed they would have to admit that the body in question had been that of a goat.”
– “Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar,” Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman
While there is an old brew called Old Peculier (note the different spelling), and at least one brewpub has clearly borrowed Gaiman’s beer name, I think it would suffice to take just about any full-bodied ale and dip a goat in it. Let me know how it turns out.
The many beverages of Star Trek
We could make a whole list of Star Trek potables–in fact, Memory Alpha has done just that. The Federation-forbidden Romulan ale is a popular place to start. As is the case with so many of these fictional libations, there was at one time a licensed Romulan Ale created by Cerveceria La Constancia brewery as well as an energy drink version marketed for the 2009 reboot movie. To do it yourself, you can find recipes for just about any Star Trek-themed beverage, including Romulan ale, Saurian brandy, and Finagle’s Folly. For extra realism at your next party, try to find a 1964 Dickel whiskey bottle.
A long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away, somebody looked at a bantha and thought, “Yeah, I can milk that.” But unless you can get your hands on one of these massive, horned Star Wars beasts, you’re going to have to settle for a replica. The easiest way to do it for your kids is, of course, to drop some blue food coloring in a glass of milk. For you, here’s a grown-up version.
In Dune, the fictional drug known as melange, or “spice,” extends your life span and can give you all sorts of other benefits. Too bad it’s addictive, and stopping will kill you. But if you decide the trade-off is worth it, you can have it in the form of spice coffee or other drinks. For name similarity, you could substitute a Wiener Melange. For the lazy, make a cup of any old spiced coffee, or just wait until the holidays when Starbucks busts out the pumpkin spice and gingerbread lattes.
“Abruptly Leto saw a young woman sitting outside a crude hut in dawnlight. She sat right there in front of him roasting coffee beans to a rose brown, adding cardamom and melange.”
– Children of Dune
There are also plenty of drinks in fictional worlds that you can have right now since they exist here in the real world. My top two picks:
Earl Grey, hot
Many fictional characters have succumbed to the seduction of steeped bergamot, but perhaps most famously, Star Trek‘s Jean-Luc Picard and his replicator order, “Tea. Earl Grey, hot.” At least the choice matches his accent, if not his lineage. John Locke in Lost and Artemis Fowl are among its fans as well.
Who doesn’t want to drink “a little bit like less-sickly butterscotch” that causes drunkenness in elves and teenagers alike? Worst marketing line if I ever heard one, yet Harry Potter fans love to seek their own versions. You can simply order one if you visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. And while there’s not a recipe for it in The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook by Dinah Bucholz, buttered beer is a very old beverage–here’s one attempt to recreate it. There are also butterbeer cupcakes in Gina M. Meyers’ similarly named book, The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook: From Cauldron Cakes To Butterbeer & More.
See part one of this post, Fourteen Fictional Foods You Can’t Have (And Recipes For Them)