New Baby Essentials: Domain Name, Twitter Account, YouTube Channel

Whether your little one is destined to be an astrophysicist or particle accelerator janitor, maximizing exposure starting from day one is practically de rigueur.

What, you haven’t reserved a domain name for the baby you’re expecting? Get hopping. Of course it’s gauche to get grabby like Angelina Jolie who scooped up 50 domain names when she had her twins a few years ago. Better to plan the baby’s name based on what domains are available. That’s why the service Babysquatter was, well, born. Using Babysquattter you can check out which names are available and even block the awful name your MIL wants by showing it as unavailable.

And you simply must start a YouTube channel for the baby. First make as many videos of your pregnancy as possible, then film the birth in excruciating detail, and continue to upload shots from the baby’s video monitor and daycare webcam. After all you’re accumulating footage for your child’s future biographers. But first you have to inspire those biographers, so use tags to promote the highest views. Today those tags include “Lady Gaga, biting baby, sex, fighting.” No one said exposure was fair.

But don’t stop there. Snag a Twitter account too. That way you can tweet each adorable drool and spit up. That’s what Tori Spelling is doing for her three-year-old Liam McDermott. It’s supposed to be “daily quotes” from Liam’s world. Alas the most recent quote (over a month ago) was, “Mom, don’t forget to wash my hands. I held my weiner!” Let that be a lesson to you. Keep the Twitter account current with up-to-the-moment details. Otherwise your last few tweets will be there years later for that child to find in his or her teen years, providing great incentive to sue you for defamation of character. Or at least justifiable cause to start tweeting in YOUR name about all the middle-aged foibles you will be developing.