Twelve New (and Geeky) Astrological Signs

Family GeekMom
Illustration by Ellen Henderson with stock images from Stock.Xchng and Microsoft Office

The web is abuzz over an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune that says the zodiac is off and we all need to change our astrological signs. According to a follow-up post on CNN’s “This Just In” blog, we really don’t need to do that, after all. But since many of us don’t give much credence to the whole astrology thing in the first place, I think this is a great opportunity to just make up some new signs. Herewith, my all-new, all-geeky zodiac chart:

  • Jan. 20-Feb. 18 – Libervermis (The Bookworm). Characteristics: Knowledgeable, kind, slightly out of touch with reality
  • Feb. 19-Mar. 20 – Draco (The Dragon). Characteristics: Passionate, scaly, fond of treasure
  • Mar. 21-Apr. 19 – Magus (The Wizard). Characteristics: Magical, wise, may shoot fireballs
  • Apr. 20-May 20 – Bellatorius (The Warrior). Characteristics: Powerful, hot-tempered, may inadvertently crush things
  • May 21-Jun. 20 – Sacerdos (The Priest). Characteristics: Serene, introspective, prone to chanting
  • Jun. 21-Jul. 22 – Spectaculus (The Four-Eyes). Characteristics: Intelligent, squinty, avoids full-contact sports
  • Jul. 23-Aug. 22 – Ewokius (The Ewok). Characteristics: Cuddly, chirpy, may annoy others
  • Aug. 23-Sep. 22 – Scientiatus (The Scientist). Characteristics: Skeptical, analytical, fond of beakers
  • Sep. 23-Oct. 22 – Monstrum (The Orc). Characteristics: Angry, smelly, proficient with weapons
  • Oct. 23-Nov. 21 – Ordinatio (The Organizer). Characteristics: Orderly, disciplined, fond of spreadsheets
  • Nov. 22-Dec. 21 – Tribblius (The Tribble). Characteristics: Gentle, fertile, must avoid Klingons
  • Dec. 22-Jan. 19 – Machinatus (The Gadgeteer). Characteristics: Quick-witted, quick thumbed, perpetually preoccupied

Ellen Henderson is a novelist and web strategist. She lives in Dallas, Texas, with her husband and son.

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18 thoughts on “Twelve New (and Geeky) Astrological Signs

  1. No, this is completely off. I’m showing up as a Bellatorius but I’m most definitely a Libervermis. I think you must have gotten the planetary alignment off. But don’t worry—in another few decades (or centuries) some astronomers will correct you. 🙂

  2. @Jonathan – But I spent SO much time on the calculations! Hmm. Maybe I should’ve carried the 7.

    @Lauren – lucky you! My husband wound up as an Ewokius, and now he’s mad at me.

    1. Amusingly this fits me fine.

      You should tell your husband to stop complaining or you’ll rewrite it so he’s a tribbilius instead!

  3. Libervermis describes me perfectly. I can’t believe how much more accurate your zodiac is than the one that’s been used for ages! Good thing I don’t really buy into this stuff because I would be somewhat creeped out if I did.

  4. I wonder if I was born early or something, since I identify more with Aquarius and am definitely more of a bookworm!! (Too cheap to be a gadgeteer)

  5. In this setting I would be a bookworm, which is quite accurate. Better yet, my wife’s a tribble according to this list (she is gentle, I don’t allow her to go near Klingons and we’re expecting twins, so that’s spot on)

  6. My hubby is a monstrum and bellatorius fits my son perfectly. We call him Conan as he is constantly destroying things and he’s only 9 months. 🙂

  7. I should have had my husband’s birthday according to this. I’m certainly not right in my Tribble designation, since our latest fertility treatments failed again! One kid via IVF and a bazillion failed attempts for more…nah, I’m no Tribble!

  8. Nope, sorry; doesn’t work.

    My daughter: Spectaculus. Not bad.

    My wife: Magus. Possible. Not great, but possible.

    And then there’s me: Ordinatio. If the signs were ranked 1 – 12 in order of match-worthiness, Ordinatio would be #12. So there’s a major, unconquerable flaw.

    Amusing, but I won’t be turning in my Scorpio badge any time soon!


  9. Thank you for _naming_ the signs! I’ve been looking for alternative zodiacs for a while, and the few I can find have uninspired signs (“The Wheel”, “The Pirate”). Don’t be surprised if I name a spaceship “Libervermis” or “Sacerdos” (that last being my sign in your zodiac, and fitting). Thanks again!

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