Ditch the Elf; ‘Krampus on the Mantle’ Is Here

Let’s be real about that Elf on the Shelf. I’m supposed to be threatened by a smug-faced plastic-and-felt turd who misbehaves all day but then rats me out if I do? If you want to truly inspire holiday-themed terror, you can now upgrade to Krampus on the Mantle.

They’re only available at FYE stores, which if we’re being honest, I had no idea still exist. It turns out they’re a bit of an entertainment retail demon of their own, having consumed the corpses of other mall classics, including Camelot, Strawberries, Record Town, and Coconuts.

And in line with the timeliness of mall-based stores in 2019, the press release for Krampus on the Mantle describes it as “a licensed stuffed figure developed in coordination with Legendary Entertainment, the producers of the 2018 film Krampus, from which it was adapted.”

Except that movie came out in 2015. It’s just a bit of a Yuletide zombie that comes back around every year. So I guess the good news is that this holiday threat-bearer does its own time travel without you having to deal with it.

According to the box, “Krampus on the Mantle, he won’t cut you any slack if you are acting naughty he is going to attack.” His name doesn’t rhyme, and he doesn’t even care about properly punctuated intimidation! I feel like that’s a mystical being who doesn’t care if you Instagram his antics. You probably don’t even have to spend three days cruising Pinterest for the most creative ways to stage him pooping marshmallows. Krampus will just do it all himself. And then drag you to hell, of course.

I have to say, if I’m going to spend cash on a toy to inspire fear, Krampus is the way to go.