Movie Interruptus: Commentary From the Cheap Seats

I get very irritated when people talk through a movie at the cinema, but I have no qualms about chatting through a movie at home, just ask anyone who knows me. It isn’t by choice, I simply can’t help myself. Settle me down in a comfy armchair with a good (or bad) movie, and I am suddenly more chatty than Lorelai Gilmore.

My commentary tends to fall into two categories:

1. What it about to happen?

• Is he going to die? He’s going to die isn’t he? Just tell me if he dies and then I’ll be okay.
• She’s the killer isn’t she? It has to be her. Oh yes she did it.
• What’s in the box? You have to tell me what’s in the box!!!
• Well I’ve read the book so I know he can’t die… unless they changed it for the movie… did they change it for the movie?
• Well Mr. X can’t die, he’s a main character, there’s no way there are killing him off… are they?
• Oh I’ve seen this, is this the part where (insert annoying spoiler here)?

Should you be watching a movie with me and the above occurs, just ignore me. For if you answer my questions thinking it will silence me, you will be wrong and get a whole new set of questions. If I have my laptop with me, I will inevitably refer to Wikipedia at least a half dozen times.

2. Fun Fact Time. This second category relates to facts concerning the movie in question, whether it be actual movie trivia, things that I like/dislike about the movie each time, or information on how the movie pertains to me.

• During The Two Towers, I will always comment that when seeing the film in the cinema, the fire alarm went off at the very moment the first arrow is fired at Helm’s Deep, forcing us all outside for twenty minutes.
• During The Return of the King, I will always criticize Aragon’s accent as he beckons the mouth of Sauron to come speak with him. All of a sudden he’s Irish!
• During Disney movies, I will sing along with songs, and I will speak lines before they are spoken. I will also give any and all information I have about Walt’s involvement with the film in question.
• During any movie set in New York, I will point out places I have been.
• If I have watched the making of–or director’s commentary of–a film, I will tell you everything that I found interesting, even if you watched the making of or director’s commentary with me.
• During Star Wars I will point out every actor that has signed my Return of the Jedi storybook, which is most of them.

As with the first category, I will also inevitably refer to Wikipedia several times. This will usually be going down the rabbit hole of “Wasn’t he in…?” or “Didn’t she used to play…?” or the dreaded “Didn’t they make a movie about … yet?”

I am my own Mystery Science Theater, but no one is willing to give me my own franchise. I try to tone it down when watching movies with anyone other than close friends and family, and I don’t think even they find it particularly cute. It is genetic however, so I can happily chat with my mom through an entire movie.

So, would you mock me, or  join in?