While listening to Am I There Yet by Mari Andrew on audiobook (available on Volumes by Random House) the author brought up a drawing she did with tabs she had open. I know these tabs were meant in literal terms but I started to think about it in figurative terms. What tabs do I have open on the internet browser of my life and which ones can I close and replace with others?
I have a lot of pressure on me to look the way I’ve always looked in my rockstar cosplay, Aayla Secura. It’s the photo my husband shows around his work and people question how he ever got that lucky. It’s the cosplay people see and their jaws drop and ask 20 questions about painting me up and how long it takes. I’ve taken my weight to heart because of this. My weight is a result of depression and continues to be a result of depression. Some people look at me and wonder where I need to lose, but looking at those photos of me in Aayla I realize I’m at least 25lbs heavier than I was in those photos and it bothers me.
Keep open or close – I think this needs to be moved all the way to the right. Not closed but not left as the main tab I keep focusing on. I need to lose weight but I think I need to focus on self-love first because regardless if I weigh 180 or 140. If I’m miserable with my self I’m going to be miserable regardless of the weight.
Fix me tab
I read a lot of self-help books. I mean A LOT. There’s hardly a time I’m not trying to read up on how to fix my anxiety issues (spoiler alert, there isn’t), shut down my depression (again, nope), or put an end to the quirks that make me me.
Keep open or close – Close. There’s nothing wrong with me so I don’t need to be fixed. There are some great self-help books out there (as I said, I’ve read a ton of them), but I don’t necessarily need to read them all. I’ve read enough to school my therapist (and in some ways I have). It’s time for a break and time to get back to reading stuff that makes me laugh.
I wonder a lot about my job and if it’s the right fit for me. Regardless if it is or not, we are not in an economy for me to start looking for other work and my family can’t afford for me to take a pay cut to try something new just to be happier in my 9 – 5 life.
Keep open or close – Keep open but change the page. Instead of looking for other opportunities, look for ways to be happy in my current job. What benefits does it offer? What perks that are not on paper do I enjoy (I have a giant bean bag chair in my office)? Could I take an online class to learn more about what I do to get more proficient and maybe feel a little less like a waste of space?
My son is driving. Yay ::sarcasm:: I’m anxious about that. My husband had an accident in December and now we have a car payment. I’m worried about that. Until recently, I was worried about the health of my pup Bakster Stockman (yes, he’s named after the TMNT villain). I did away with that worry by signing him up for Banfield’s health program (if you have pets, it’s a steal of a deal). My husband works nights five nights a week to keep us floating financially. I don’t like missing him when I go to bed.
Keep open or close – This one obviously needs to stay open but maybe I can change the channel so to speak. Understand that my son might have a fender bender at some point and that is what insurance is for. Remember that both of us work so the car payment won’t be a big deal. Bakster is young and doesn’t have any health issues. While my husband works nights, that means I have full control of the TV (Justice League Unlimited binge anyone?).
Where am I going with my life? tab
I’m in my mid 30’s and I have two degrees. One in computer engineering (A.S) and one in Media Communications (B.S). That basically means I can build a network and run your social media account while also creating content and troubleshooting the software and hardware issues of your computer. What am I doing with either one? I’m a network admin by day and by night I dream of running a company’s social media account.
Keep open or close – Close and revamp. I don’t need to be reminded of my failure to enter my preferred field (Media Communications) so instead, I need to get out and dive into it. Create the content, share it, put it up on my portfolio page, and have some fun. My therapist says I’m one of the most creative people she knows. I should take that creativity and share it. I’ll need a plan though.
What about tabs I want to open?
These are tabs that maybe I’ve wanted to look more into but the others got in the way? Time to explore.
Plan my creative attack
This is a new tab I need to open. I have a Happy Planner system and I have a corner in my kitchen dedicated to my desires. Time to combine them to work for me. Get back to writing for Happily Ever After Books (this goes along with reading more fun books) and spread my wings. If I fall into the ocean, crawl to shore, and try again.
Fictional writing tab
I’d love to get back to writing my young adult novel. I have the beginning and most of the end but I’m stuck in the middle. Maybe I should open a tab and finally finish that James Patterson Masterclass.
I have a Brother dual sewing/embroidery machine that I’ve used a few times but not for anything really cool. I also have a gift card for sewing lessons. Maybe I should open a tab to get into taking those lessons and finally make a bag of my own instead of recruiting someone else to make it (link to Angela’s shop here).
I have so much stuff that I quite frankly do not need. I’m a recovering retail addict and I slip every so often. I need to go through my stuff and decide what I haven’t worn in a year or longer (like that Her Universe Star Wars cape) or haven’t used (those CDs we used to burn stuff to before USB flash drives became affordable).