My deadline has come and gone, and I find myself moving slowly on this. Why? I can’t say for sure. I can come up with excuses, lots and lots of excuses. My family has traveled more this month than we realized we would, and the husband had time off from work. My body does not respond well to the smoke that has twice covered our sky, for a week each time. It is unnatural to have a red sun summer when there are no major fires near–how awful it must be for those near the fires giving me a red sun. I’ve had to work with my daughter’s new school both to make sure they know what she needs and to get coding added to their lesson plans. If I wanted to, I could go on all day. But they are excuses, just excuses. What is the root cause for my delay?
What’s Really Holding Me Back?
Okay, here is the thing; I am used to hiding myself, hiding who I am. This will come as a surprise to people who know me well, for I am always doing things that others feel are impossible, and trust them deeply. It really is amazing what is possible before you find out it isn’t. It will surprise those who know me here, for how can I write here and the cover the topics I do, if I hide my innermost self from others? Yet, I do it. I have done it all my life, with anyone who has not won my deep trust. Yet to do this Kickstarter, I need to put not only myself out there but my daughter out there as well. I don’t know about you, but for me, my daughter is the most precious thing in the whole world. I have to risk both myself and my daughter to the dangers of success in this project very near and dear to both of us.
In this fear, I am as unlike my daughter as I can be. And this is a project I did with her, equal partners. She is a wonderful girl who loves the stage, loves giving presentations at school, and loves being with as many people as she can be. For her, the worst thing will not be to succeed beyond any likely level but to not succeed, not have people interesting in sharing her book. To find out that people are not interested in this art she wants to share. Because of her, I must be strong, and I must get back on track. I must stop making excuses. My school does not have to stop me, work and school have not stopped many people before. I do not need to rush this, but I need to make regular progress, and to make sure I am willing to take the steps needed to see my daughter’s dream realized. I must be okay with the possibility of success, for her sake if not for my own.
Looking Ahead
I want to do this right. I owe my daughter that much. I need to reset my plan. So this next week, that is what I will do: remap my plan, this time not based on external deadlines, but on what would be best for this project. Hopefully, I will do it well. It can be hard to look at something that scares you to the core in the face, and I will have to accept opening up myself some, with a remote chance that those I would rather not see to the core of me see me for what I really am. But you can’t live life unless you do that, so this week, I shall regroup and get lined up what I need to do to finish what my daughter and I started so long ago.
Thank you for listening.
Until next week,
Claire
