When my husband and I were working for a small newspaper in northern New Mexico and still struggling financially, the idea of celebrating something as frivolous as Valentine’s Day seemed ridiculous, if not downright repugnant. Still, I wanted to break the monotony of life and do at least a little something fun. I came up with the idea of us just making each other a card. Nothing else.
My husband reluctantly drew a heart on a piece of office paper, to let me know what he thought of the idea. Nice. I created a beautiful card with drippy sweethearts and flowers on the front and the phrase, “This is a really, really nice card…”
On the inside, it had a picture of Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog from the Conan O’Brien show, accompanying his catchphrase,”For me to poop on!”
His mood immediately lifted and from that year on, we’ve both been “in on the joke.” Valentine’s Day has been a hoot ever since.
Last year, I shared several geeky quotes of friendship and love for Valentine’s Day, all of which convey, “You and I are the same kind of weird.” Oftentimes, it’s more fun to give that person some of the well-spirited ribbing they always give back.
In the spirit of the many who put as much creative effort into making fun of the occasion as they do picking up the perfect Valentine, there are even more geeky insults just waiting to make their way on to Valentine’s Day cards, gift tags, treats, and tweets.
I’ve collected a few quotes to say, “I may hate Valentine’s Day, but I love your sense of humor” in many ways.
Star Wars
You have to love Princess Leia, as the producer of the best barbs in the original trilogy. These include:
“You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!”
“I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.”
“I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.”
“Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?”
“Into the garbage chute, flyboy.”
Some other choice phrases by other characters:
“Where did you dig up that old fossil?” — Han Solo
“Your powers are weak, old man!” — Darth Vader
“What a piece of junk!” — Luke Skywalker (about the Millennium Falcon)
“Laugh it up, Fuzzball.” — Han Solo
Finally, I can’t think of a better way than the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi to describe one’s own family in geeky love note to a potential in-law:
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
Star Trek
Not be outdone, Star Trek has a warehouse of television series and movies from which to choose in the geeky insult area. Some of the most fun include:
“You computerized half-breed.” — Kirk (original series)
“To the last I will grapple with thee… From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit at thee!” — KHAAAAN (The Wrath of Kahn)
“Don’t agree with me, it makes me very uncomfortable.” — Bones (to Spock, Into Darkness)
“Eaten any good books lately?” — Q (to Worf, The Next Generation)
“I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously. To which are you referring?” — Spock, answering the question, “Are you giving me attitude?”
“I’m sorry if I made you feel … unwelcome. It’s just my way.” — Odo (Deep Space Nine)
“Now’s as good a time as any to tell you. Your ceiling is hideous.” — Neelix (Voyager)
“Seems I’ve found myself on the voyage of the damned.” — Doctor (Voyager)
One of the best Star Trek insults wasn’t even from the series, it was from William Shatner himself, chewing out a horde of Trekkies in the now famous Saturday Night Live sketch:
“Get a life!… I mean look at you, look at the way you’re dressed… move out of your parents’ basements, get your own apartments, and grow the hell up! It’s just a TV show, dammit!”
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I’ve never been one of those hipster geekier-than-thous who tell people they aren’t a “real geek” unless they are familiar with a certain fandom. Seriously, though, if you haven’t memorized at least one Monty Python and the Holy Grail French knight taunt, you need to get cracking. I’m willing to bet these are some of the most quoted movie insults of all times—and for good reasons. They’re spectacular.
Some highlights:
“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you.”
“No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!”
For a more obscure Python reference, one of the most effective is from their series’ Oscar Wilde sketch:
“(W)hen I said that you are like a stream of bat’s piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark.”
Firefly
Joss Whedon’s space oater may have been short-lived, but it wasn’t short on wit, thanks to Captain Mal and his gang.
“Your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.” — Mal
“Well, my days of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle.” — Mal
“How did your brain even learn human speech?” — Wash
“Curse your sudden, but inevitable betrayal!” — Wash
Doctor Who
I love The Doctor, but he’s an ass in the sensitivity department. For example:
“You are a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.” — Fourth Doctor
“All right. All right, I’ll confess. I confess you’re a bigger idiot than I thought you were.” — Fourth Doctor
“You’re Mister Thick Thick Thickity Thick-face from Thick-town, Thickania! And so’s your dad!” — Tenth Doctor
The Twelfth Doctor is so far holding his own in the insults world. There might be a little influence from a past life in politics:
“(She’s) my carer. She cares so I don’t have to.”
“It’s the human superpower: forgetting. If you remembered how things felt, you’d have stopped having wars. And stopped having babies.”
“Can you just hurry up, please? Or I’ll hit you with my shoe.”
“There’s a horror movie called Alien? That’s really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you!”
Then there’s the often-compared quotes of the Ninth Doctor and BBC’s Sherlock:
“Little human brains… how do you get around in those things?” — Ninth Doctor
…and…
“My God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.” — Sherlock
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes deserves more than just a mention in another category; his BBC version alone is worthy of its own book of insults:
“Don’t talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.”
“I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupid in the room.”
“You repel me.”
“Your face is putting me off.”
“What happened to the lipstick?…I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth is too small now.”
“And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.” — Sherlock’s response to Mycroft’s exasperated outburst “I’ll be Mother.”
We have to give another new version, from the CBS series Sherlock Holmes series Elementary, a little credit as well, for giving us this one:
“For future reference, when I say that I agree with you it means I’m not listening.”
Don’t forget, however, one of the best isn’t from Sherlock, but to him:
“I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ when you’re talking but it is usually in subtext.” — John Watson
Assorted Geekdoms
This list could go on forever, but there’s only so much one can take. If the above quotes don’t quite get the point across, here are some more from various geek-friendly sources:
“One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.” — Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory
“It must be humbling to suck at so many different levels.” — Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory
“The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” — Cersei Lannister, Game of Thrones
“The laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth!” — Blackfish, Game of Thrones
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda Gershwitz, A Fish Called Wanda
“Don’t be defeatist… it’s very middle class.” — The Dowager Countess, Downton Abbey
“Let me guess, you’ve got a great personality.” — Kuzco, Emperor’s New Groove
“You are a sad, strange little man… and you have my pity.” — Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story
“Sarcasm is a foreign language to you.” — Timon, The Lion King
“I’m a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.” — Tony Stark, The Avengers
“Dost thou mother know thou weareth her drapes?” — Tony Stark, The Avengers
“You big turd blossom!” — Star-Lord, Guardians of the Galaxy
“You have the manners of a goat, and you smell like a dungheap.” — Highlander
“You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!” — Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
“You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!” — Lucky Day, The Three Amigos
Movies don’t have to be current to be biting, as indicated by this pair:
“If I gave you any thought, I probably would.” — Sam, Casablanca (1942), answering the question, “You despise me, don’t you?”
“There’s a name for you ladies, but it isn’t used in high society… outside of a kennel.” — Mary, The Women (1939)
… And, saving one of the best for last, are the words for affection from Westley, aka Dread Pirate Roberts, toward Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride:
“Pig…you miserable, vomitous mass… I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.”
For some quick, take-home snark, I’ve created a template with few of my favorite insults, as well as a nice geeky insult catchall card when there just isn’t enough to say about someone. It should go without saying (but I’m going to say it anyway), please keep in mind these notes are intended for “grown ups” who realize these are meant as a joke. I am in no way promoting any bullying or hurtful speak. I’ve even let the characters take credit for their own words. You just provide the name of the intended. Now, take these with my most sarcastically sincere blessings:
You don’t have to be a romantic to get the most out of Valentine’s Day. If you have the right people in your life that you can laugh with, that is all you need. It’s time to put the hilarity back in the hearts, lighten up, and throw out some good ones to a companion who has the same wicked sense of humor.
No one wants to look like, as Buddy the Elf says, “a cotton-headed ninny-muggins” on Valentine’s Day.
These are fantastic, and also sum up my opinion of investing so much $$$ in greeting cards!
Amen to that!