Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: Lessons Learned and Miscellaneous Extra Touches

Save the date card commissioned from Matt Schubbe.

It’s been nearly nine months since we said our I wills and I’ve yet to write this final post in my geeky-queer wedding planning series. Between many international trips, Andrew moving to Canada, everyone becoming accustomed to extra people and two extra pets inhabiting a shared space, looking for a bigger house, moving into a bigger house, and more, it has been a very busy nine months. Plus, there are a couple of things in this post that are difficult for me to write.

But, now, the time has come to wrap up this series with lessons learned, and the miscellaneous things we did that were not mentioned in previous posts.

Lesson Learned

Lesson #1: Learn to let go.

Near the end of the planning, I had to learn to let go. I didn’t have to let go in terms of things I wanted. But, I did have to learn to let go over things of which I had no control. This was extremely difficult for me because when I’m stressed, my OCD symptoms become more difficult to control.

Lesson #2: Expect the unexpected.

People warned me that there are always guests who don’t show up, even if they RSVP’d as a yes. This was new information to me, as I had no input the first time I got married. But, as the majority of my guests were coming from out of town—half of whom were coming from out of country—I didn’t expect this to be a reality.

But, the unexpected still happened: a death in the family.

Andrew’s dad, former Rep. Bob Edgar, D-Pennsylvania, unexpectedly passed away a couple months before the wedding.

The death of Andrew’s dad meant that neither of his parents would be physically present at the wedding. Obviously, his mom was too upset to make the long journey from Virginia on her own. This was very difficult for all of us. We now had to figure out a new way to include his parents into the ceremony. More about that at the end.

Lesson #3: Be truly accepting of your non-traditional wedding and don’t worry about what others may think.

Right from the get go, we were very happy with the choices we had made in order to make our United Federation of Planets wedding a reality. However, we were a little shy about sharing it outside of our geeky circles.

What we ended up learning was that vendors and their staff were extremely excited after learning about the theme of our wedding. They all became extra-willing to make our day that much more special. Wait staff wanted to join in the costumes. The menu had themed items. Even the minister wore a costume. And, the night before, strangers eating dinner at The Quamichan Inn asked if it was okay just to drive by the wedding in order to see the costumes. They learned about the wedding because the wonderful staff couldn’t stop talking about it.

Everyone with whom we worked said they enjoyed our wedding more than the traditional affair because it broke the monotony.

So, if you’re worried about what others may think, stop. Especially as those who truly matter—your guests—will be joining in on the fun.

Lesson #4: Technology works great when it works, but when it fails, it really fails.

The above should be a “No, duh!” But, it should be something you keep in mind. Two critical parts of our wedding involved technology: our online guestbook and our in person guestbook (more details below). None of those logs saved properly because of a mixture of user error and technical error.

So, if you decide to do any of the technology-dependent things we that we did, you may later come to find that they did not succeed, despite multiple testing.

Lesson #5: Don’t purchase any crafting books two months before the wedding.

Two months before the wedding, I purchased Star Trek Cross-Stitch: Explore Strange New Worlds of Crafting and The Star Trek Craft Book: Make It So! Both books contained so many wonderful ideas for party favors and decorations. Lo and behold! I wanted to make them all!

I made grandiose plans to craft all the things but ran out of time.

Do not make this mistake. Be sure to purchase any craft books that may coincide with your theme the moment you’ve decided on one.

Miscellaneous Extras

We did many extra things not previously mentioned. They are so numerous, that I cannot possibly list them all. But, I think the following are worth noting as they may help you plan your geeky and/or queer wedding.

1. Create a website.

Instead of having to keep track of paper RSVPs and relying on people to actually put them in the post, we created a website. The website was not only used for RSVP purposes, but it also contained crucial information about the location, the wedding day schedule, accommodation information for out of towners, local restaurants, and activities. That helped cut down on repeatedly answering the same inquiries.

The wedding as viewed by virtual guests. Screenshot provided by Patricia Vollmer.
The wedding as viewed by virtual guests. Screenshot provided by Patricia Vollmer.

2. Stream the wedding.

When people RSVP’d, they had the option to attend the wedding virtually. Many people couldn’t afford to travel to our wedding, yet it was still very important to us that they could still have a way to attend and participate. So, I installed Wowza media server on my server, and we created another website, complete with LCARS theme, for our virtual guests to watch the wedding and chat with each other, also with video capability.

If you do not have your own server, you can still stream your wedding via a number of media server hosts.

Dave and Patricia Vollmer in the chat room. Screenshot provided by Patricia Vollmer.

3. Create a digital guestbook.

Marrying a software developer is a great idea, for many reasons. One of those reasons is they can write software specific for your needs. Andrew wrote a LCARS-themed program that allowed people to make “Captain’s Logs,” instead of signing a traditional guestbook. We installed in on my Surface Pro tablet, so that it had a touch-interface, just like on-board a starship. We even included the sound of the Enterprise engines and the Enterprise computer’s voice saying, “Initializing,” on start-up, and “Transfer complete,” on saving.

After the ceremony was over, the people who attended virtually also made “Captain’s Logs” via the video chat.

Unfortunately, the external memory got knocked out of the Surface Pro and those logs didn’t save, and the virtual videos didn’t save to my server because of a typo I made in the save configuration file.

Party favors. Image via the @AandJWed Twitter account.

4. Create your own decorations and party favors.

For the ceremony, I made the “Make it so” banner found within the The Star Trek Craft Book: Make It So! book. For the party favors, I made everyone a Tribble, also found within the craft book. I also made everyone three Star Trek-themed cross-stitch patterns, found within Star Trek Cross-Stitch: Explore Strange New Worlds of Crafting. Every guest also received a United Federation of Planets pin.

We didn’t have a wedding cake, but we still had cake toppers. Instead of the traditional groom and groom wedding cake topper, I purchased figurines of Mister Spock and Captain Kirk from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, to match our wedding attire.

You can see more pictures of the party favors, the “Make it so” banner, and the “cake toppers” in the Storify story below.

Kirk and Spock forever. Photo by Jules Sherred.

5. Create a special Twitter account and Storify your wedding.

In order to easily track tweets from the wedding, and to allow others to follow along whilst protecting everyone’s privacy, we created @AAndJWed. All of the guests who attended in person were given access to the account.

Because all of the tweets were made in one place, not only did it make for easy sharing and following, but it also made creating a Storify post that much easier.

And to think, some places charge $3000.00 in order to tweet and track your wedding.

6. Create a unique wedding invitation.

If you are artistically inclined, you probably can create some amazing cards for your day. After all, you cannot have normal invitation to commemorate your geeky-queer wedding. If you’re not, then spend a little extra money and commission someone to create the perfect cards for your wedding. We commissioned Matt Schubbe to create our cards, and I cannot recommend him enough.

7. Involving family members who cannot be there.

With Bob’s sudden death, we were put in a very sad place. For a few weeks, we couldn’t even think about the wedding. What we did know is that we wanted to dedicate part of the ceremony to Bob.

Bob had a huge impact on Andrew and on me. He spent his entire life teaching about inclusivity. So did Andrew’s mom, Merle. Without them, Andrew may not have grown into a person who could accept marrying a trans man. Without their acceptance of me as a transgender individual, I would not have been able to marry Andrew.

However, we had a bit of a problem. We knew we wanted to dedicate part of the ceremony to Bob but didn’t know how we wanted that to happen.

Thankfully, we had a little bit of help. Some years ago, Bob wrote a book titled Middle Church: Reclaiming the Moral Values of the Faithful Majority from the Religious Right. I had two copies. After Bob’s memorial service, I gave one of those copies to the minister who would be officiating the ceremony. I asked him to read it in order to get to know the man who was Bob Edgar and figure out a way to have Bob with us on that day.

The minister decided to read the following Franciscan benediction Bob included at the end of his book. Neither Andrew nor I knew this was going to happen, and it was all we could do to not burst into tears during the ceremony:

May God bless you with discomfort…
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your hearts.

May God bless you with anger…
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears…
To shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness…
To believe that you can make a difference in this world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Followed by Bob’s own words:

And to that prayer, in whatever language we express it, in whatever tradition it is heard, let all us all say in a joyful and faithful and prophetic voice that weds prayer with works and hope with action: Amen.

That was the perfect way to end the wedding ceremony.

Chances are your missing family member did not write a book. If that person is recently deceased, maybe tell a story about them. If they couldn’t be there for other reasons, maybe they can write something to be read during the ceremony. Or maybe you will also be blessed with a wonderful officiant who figures out the perfect thing to say or read.

That pretty much sums it up. Our wedding is long over but not near forgotten. Guests continue to relay how much fun they had. Nine months later, and both Andrew and I are still trying to get over how much love was present that day. Guests are also trying to figure out some other good excuse to travel from far and wide for another really excellent party.

I’ll leave you with a few images via Storify. But first, don’t forget to read the rest of the series. They may help you come up with your own ideas to plan your geeky-queer wedding. The posts include my earlier GeekMom posts, Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: Last Names and Culture, Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Location, and Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Gifts. You can download the first six posts in this series, in either PDF, ePUB, or MOBI. These parts include: Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: Introduction; Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Proposal and the Rings; Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Outfits and Wedding Attire; Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Wedding Party, Family, and Guests; Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Ceremony; and Planning My Geeky-Queer Wedding: The Reception.

Remember: There are no rules. This is your day. You can make it whatever you want it to be!

Star Trek Book Club Coming Soon to an Internet Near You!

Generic Star Trek Book Club Badge
Book club badge commissioned from Matt Schubbe. This is not the special badge, mentioned in the post.

Very soon, I will be hosting a Star Trek book club over at United Federation of Planets, and you are invited!

Every other month, participants will read a Star Trek novel, chosen by participants, based on readers’ suggestions. Each week, during the months we are reading, discussions will be held on the United Federation of Planets’ discussion forums. These discussions will be led both by participants and by me.

But, reading and discussing Star Trek novels, with like-minded individuals, are not the only benefits of participating in the book club. I’ve commissioned some graphic goodies from Matt Schubbe, the ridiculously talented artist who illustrated my book, Five Little Zombies and Fred. The graphic goodies will be awards, of sorts, given out to participants of the Star Trek book club.

Not only will people receive a uniquely designed book club badge, as a reward for participating—each book will have a newly designed badge—but, you will also receive points on the United Federation of Planets website, based on your participation, and you will also receive ranks, based on points accumulated. The point and rank system isn’t meant to be a competition, but rather, act as a way to entice people into greater participation.

There is a schedule, of which you should be aware. The schedule will repeat, with one month dedicated to voting and acquiring the book, and the following month dedicated to reading and discussing the book. The following schedule is subject to change:

  • Now until November 30, 2013 – People who are planning to participate can enter their book suggestions into the Google Drive spreadsheet.
  • December 1 – 14, 2013 – A poll will be posted on the United Federation of Planets website, consisting of those suggestions. Participants vote.
  • December 15, 2013 – January’s book will be announced.
  • December 15 – December 31, 2013 – People will purchase, or borrow from their local library, a copy of the selected book. They can begin reading if they choose.
  • December 31, 2013 – Discussion and reading schedule will be posted on the United Federations of Planets website, both as a post and in the discussion forums.
  • January  2014 – Weekly discussions about the book on the United Federation of Planets discussion forums.
  • January 15, 2014 – Time to start inputting suggestions for March’s book.

To ensure you don’t miss out on any book club related announcements, I suggest you subscribe to the United Federation of Planets’ RSS feed.

If there is a book you’d like to read during the month of January, don’t forget to enter it in the Google Drive spreadsheet below. On December 1, 2013, remember to head on over to United Federation of Planets to vote.

I am very much looking forward to reading and discussing Star Trek with you!

Live Long and Prosper.

This Week With the GeekMoms

GeekMom News

United Federation of Planets
United Federation of Planets

Jules Sherred has been busy designing and launching another website: United Federation of Planets. It is a website all about Star Trek, curated by members of Jules’ G+ Star Trek community. Jules is also still busy planning for yet another trip, a child’s graduation, and a wedding in just over three short months.

Brigid is reveling in a clean studio this week and a fresh shiny new website. She’s looking forward to getting her hands dirty with some special projects in April.

Laura’s toe is a lovely bluish purple, thanks to intersecting with furniture while ambulating Ministry of Silly Walks style. Despite her giant multi-hued toe she’s going full speed in her campaign to help out a neighboring eco-friendly farmer. He is trying to hang on to his cows and his land despite some difficulties.

Rachel is trying to nurse her family back to health in time for Easter Sunday. She’s going to spend the weekend using natural dyes on her eggs and stuffing the plastic ones with toxic candy. Does that seem wrong at all?

This week Patricia has been in Biloxi, Mississippi, where her husband has just received photorefractive keratectomy (PRK) laser eye surgery at Keesler Air Force Base. It’s been a trip down memory lane, seeing the base where she did her initial Air Force weather officer training in summer 1996, and it’s also been very educational learning about the devastation that the base and community experienced from Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. It was heartbreaking to visit Beauvoir, Jefferson Davis’s home, this week and learn that over 40% of the property’s presidential library and museum collection were lost during Katrina. She looks forward to being back home this weekend to celebrate Easter with her kids and mother-in-law, who have been holding down the fort back home.

Rebecca Angel is busy getting ready for a gig on Friday with her daughter who plays drumset and steel drums. It is really fun having a kid that not only has the talent, but the joy of music, AND wants to perform with her mom!

This weekend, Dakster Sullivan is going to be creating colored eggs with Kool-Aid with her husband and son. They don’t have any troops lined up, so maybe they will take some time and just hang out and enjoy the weekend. Brandon’s been begging to go bowling again, so they might hit up the alleys for some family fun.