There’s nothing quite like waking up to the smell of bacon in the morning. It doesn’t matter how comfy your bed is, the smell of bacon is a lure that cannot be resisted by any means known to humankind. Even the most world-weary of us will put on slippers and a warm robe and trudge down to the kitchen for some fried pork bliss. Now, with this pillowcase, you can enjoy the smell of bacon all the time right from the comfort of your bed.
J&D’s is offering a bacon-scented pillowcase ($12.99) that will keep the sweet smell of bacon swirling around your head while you sleep. The smell is supposed to last for 6-12 months as long as you wash the pillowcase according to the care instructions.
They do include a list of possible side effects that includes:
Happier dreams of breakfasts past, floating on bacony clouds or placing the winning hog at the 4-H contest.
Effortless, overnight weight loss by kicking your digestive system into high gear – try not to eat your pillowcase.
Dramatic increases in your intelligence and higher brain functioning because… Bacon.
Easier wake-ups – your mornings will be like being shot out of bacony cannon.
In the wake of Downton Abbey many people are feeling a lack of the mother tongue in their life. A dowager deficiency. A countess conundrum. I like to call it PDSD – Post Downton Stress Disorder.
As a Brit myself, I suffer less than most. I have relatives I can call for a smattering of Hugh Bonneville language, and a Great Aunt who could easily pass for a modern day Dowager, the wonderful aspects that is. In a pinch, the friend of a friend is the personal assistant to the current residents of Highclere Castle so I can live vicariously through that distant and somewhat random connection.
For those of you with the misfortune to speak the language of the colonies, here are a few things that I imported from England and inserted into my American life, somewhat. They might come from the village more than the big house, but they might just help with the Downton Blues.
1. Proper tea bags. We’re not talking Lipton, I’m not even talking Twinings here. Your standard British household will more than likely have a box of PG Tips, Tetley, or Typhoo, or their equivalent store brand. All of these are readily available on Amazon. Tea should be taken hot and internally at least once every two hours.
2. A bacon sandwich. For a proper bacon sandwich, you will need the thickest, most un-American Bacon you can find, and some nice white bread. And no, I do not think Canadian Bacon is a decent substitution. For the pièce de résistance, you need to invest in a bottle of “Brown Sauce.” Much like Twinkies, this condiment will survive the harshest nuclear disaster, and should be used liberally with bacon.
3. Start your day with a nice bubble bath instead of a shower. In my entire childhood, I knew only one person with a shower in their house. Everyone else had big bath tubs. So if you want to stew in some Britishness, a bath is your best bet. But make sure you use appropriate bubbles, and don’t just pour your shower gel under the tap/faucet.
4. NPR might be the closest thing over here to the British Broadcasting Corporation, but with the availability of Internet Radio, I would suggest the following British Radio programs not to be missed:
Ken Bruce Tracks of my Years on Radio 2. Each week a different artist recalls ten songs that have meant the most to them. Recent guests include crime writer Ian Rankin, Bruno Mars, and Rick Astley. Ken’s entire show is great, but you have to be up rather early.
5. Several words should be inserted into your daily vocabulary. These include, but are not limited to “rather,” “quite,” “queue,” and “lovely jubbly.”
6. When eating a sandwich, be it an Italian or a Meatball sub, you should always spread butter liberally on both pieces of bread before adding the fixings. An old trick to stop the juices of the contents leaking into the bread. Note, the aforementioned “Brown Sauce” is only for use on sandwiches involving Bacon.
7. Walk somewhere. This is not appropriate for the northern states, but a daily jaunt is an inevitable part of life across the pond. Walk to the corner shop (gas station), the post office (if you can find one), or the bookie (casino) if you can. And always take an umbrella; it will rain.
8. Have a pancake breakfast, but your pancakes should resemble crepes and not be fluffy. They certainly should not include buttermilk, and should come nowhere near maple syrup. A teaspoon of sugar and a decent quirt of lemon juice is sufficient topping for a British pancake.
9. A duvet on your bed is a must. The kind you stuff inside a duvet cover, not the kind that is pre-printed with something pretty. No matter the weather, there must be something with weight and fluffy thickness on your bed. Multiple blankets will not do, standard American comforters will not do. Something with a 9.5 tog is recommended. I have found that the standard British duvet most closely resembles an American mattress pad.
10. Use public transportation. Okay, this one I haven’t translated to my American life because I live in Maine, and public transportation is virtually non-existent. But dagnabit if you can’t get anywhere in England by virtue of rail or bus. It was one of the joys of my youth to get a day pass with friends and go “bus hopping,” an activity that would terrify most modern parents!
Also don’t forget to cook your steaks badly, neglect to clean your teeth, and keep a picture of the queen on your nightstand, ahem.
If these aren’t quite your cup of tea, try checking out some other classics of British television, that you might not have been exposed to before:
Porridge. Starring the late and great Ronnie Barker, Porridge is a half hour comedy about the prisoners of HM Slade Prison. It aired between 1974 and 1977.
Open All Hours. Another Ronnie Barker classic; you can’t go wrong with Ronnie Barker. A half hour comedy about the exploits of a penny pinching grocer from Yorkshire.
You Rang M’Lord. This could probably be described as the Three Stooges of the Downton Abbey world. A lot of slapstick and raunchy humor in this one.
Carry On... The Carry On movies were a hugely popular franchise in Britain during my childhood and for decades prior. Again, the raunchy humor rules, but several of the movies give you a decent look at Britain in the seventies. Think Mel Brooks with a British accent.
Black Books. The eccentric life of a cranky bookstore owner and those close to him, in proximity that is; he’s far too cranky for friends. If you like Simon Pegg, you will love this show. He’s in it once, it’s not his show, but you will love it.
The House of Eliot. From the creators of Upstairs Downstairs. Two sisters, left penniless by their father, attempt to find independence and self-employment in the 1920s.
To The Manor Born. The original Mary and Matthew, watch as Audrey Fforbes-Hamilton and Richard De Vere butt heads and then… no spoilers here.
It’s safe to say geeks like bacon. Sure, a few of you have already stopped reading and gone to the comments to tell me you hate bacon and you’re sick of all the bacon crap everywhere. Clearly the rest of us aren’t, since it keeps getting made (and we keep buying it). Nothing short of a Time Lord telling me he needs my bacon to save the world will pry it from my fingers. I’m particularly fascinated lately with bacon as dessert. It didn’t start there, but this interest was certainly fueled by a SXSW gathering with other GeekMoms at Frank, where we partook of this delight:
That is a warm chocolate chip cookie (chocolate chip, pecan, walnut, cranberry, and bacon cookie) and ice cream covered in candied bacon sprinkles with candied bacon on a stick. BACON.
Then along came Easter weekend. You know the little packets of crumbled bacon you can buy to make your crispy-bacon-crumbles life easier? Did you also know that they come in a 1.25-pound bag version? Neither did I until I saw my dad walking around the house munching out of the bag like it was pretzels. Fortunately, he didn’t finish it off, but I was left with a whole lot of bacon crumbles.
There are a few you always know to expect, starting with Google and ThinkGeek. Here are those, along with a few others we’ve seen this morning. Happy Don’t Believe The Internet Day! (Except the GeekMoms–we really have moved to this new site. What do you think?)
“Smelling is believing,” the new Google Nose search feature tells us! While I can find some appeal in being able to search the 15M+ scentibytes Google Aromabase, I’m glad SafeSearch is enabled. Scents have been collected from thousands of miles of Street Sense vehicles, which means now you can check out that hotel’s smell before you visit! But that’s not all Google had ready for April 1. Treasure Map mode in Maps you can actually use, but I don’t recommend it for important navigation. Gmail Blue is all of the Gmail you love… but blue. Maybe next they’ll tell us they were just kidding about Reader shutting down.
No More Police Box TARDIS
DoctorWhoTV.co.uk announces that “the classic blue box just isn’t ‘street enough’ any more” and will make its last appearance in the Series 7 finale.
Bat-on-bat LoveThe upcoming relationship between Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon won’t be just a fleeting thing. They’re starting a family.
SkyScanner Kid Counter
If only you could know before you booked a flight the chances that you’d be kept awake for 12 hours next to an unhappy infant. Now you can!
Bacon Scope You’ve probably already seen this April Fool’s marketing trick, sinceScope clearly jumped the gun on the holiday. Note to everyone for next year: It’s called April Fool’s Day, not April Fool’s Week. We’re not turning this into the thing where Christmas decorations start appearing after Labor Day.
Unpakt To The Moon
Unpakt is advertising an option for moves to the moon. But if you click it, you get to play Space Invaders!
Funny or Die Brings Back The 90s It was the golden age of television. With your help, they can Kickstart projects like Sliders The Movie, the Dinosaurs One Man Show featuring Baby Sinclair, and Darkwing Duck: The Movie.
Wikipedia “Did You Know?”
These range from humorous to potentially NSFW, if your NSFW standards include words. They lead to real Wikipedia entries, though.
It’s sort of a universally accepted fact that bacon is one of the best foods known to mankind. No other food garners quite the same level of fanatic devotion and adoration. As a result, it’s been incorporated into all sorts of recipes in an effort to create the ultimate bacon experience. I am guilty of adding more bacon than required whenever it’s called for because, it’s bacon, why not? I thought I was really living on the edge when I bought a bacon chocolate bar. This was at a little specialty shop in Boston and I walked out clutching my treasure, ready to fend off the masses who would obviously kill to have this for themselves.
I sat down on a bench and unwrapped my treasure thinking of all those shows you see on TV with people savoring weird foods. I decided to follow their lead and started with the aroma. It smelled like chocolate, which, although a wonderful smell, did not hold the promise of bacon. Then I cracked a piece off and looked at what I was about to eat. I saw teeny tiny little bits of bacon. Teeny. Tiny. This did not make me happy but I popped a piece into my mouth anyway. The chocolate was as good as it smelled, but the bacon was barely noticeable. I had just paid nearly $10 for a chocolate bar that did not live up to my expecations. The bacon was a lie.
Months later, I purchased a Talking Bacon plush from ThinkGeek. You press his side and he says “I’m bacon.” It was what my daughter wanted for her birthday more than anything. Yes, I was equal parts thrilled and scared. Bacon plush has been a big hit with every child in our neighborhood. He went in for show and tell and I had half a dozen parents contact me to find out where they could get him. Talking Bacon is the man!
One afternoon, my daughter’s friend, James, was marveling at the wonder of Talking Bacon and asked where I’d gotten this amazing creation. I told him and then loaded up the site so he could see it for himself. It’s fair to say that his eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the assortment of geeky goods on the screen. Bacon popcorn! Bacon gumballs! Bacon jelly beans! I don’t think he could have been more excited if I’d told him school was cancelled for the rest of the year.
When his Mom came to pick him up, I told her that he might be asking for a bunch of bacon stuff, and then did the obligatory “Oops, sorry, I kinda set you up there. My bad.” apology. She rolled her eyes, looked at her son, and told him she was not buying him a bunch of bacon stuff. He looked sullen. He gave her a masterful pout. He even made his lip quiver. No luck. So, James turned his charms on me. Me. Keeper of all things geeky. Writer of geeky stuff. Player of video games. I was his only hope.
I put this off for months, thinking he’d forget, but every single time I saw him, he asked if I’d gotten the goods. My answer was always “Not yet.” Then he showed up for a playdate with my daughters in an Angry Birds shirt which he proudly wore and, I thought, I just had to help this burgeoning little geek in the making. I contacted ThinkGeek.
And because ThinkGeek is so cool, they sent me a whole box full of bacon goodness. I was excited to try these bacony treats, but a little nervous. Unlike the bacon chocolate bar with barely discernible bacon, the whole box smelled like bacon when I opened it. Popcorn, gumballs, jelly beans, lollipop. Where to start?
I opened the tin of Bacon Gumballs. They sure smelled like bacon. And they were a brick red color that looked like bacon. I decided it was best to have something to drink handy, like when my kids are forced to try something new, just in case the flavor killed me. I put it in my mouth and it was bacony. I chewed it and holy overwhelming bacon flavor! I didn’t think it was possible but it was actually too much bacon. I made it through maybe half a dozen chews before I had to spit it out and chug half a glass of milk.
My kids found this hysterical.
I moved on to the Bacon Beans. I’d learned from the gumballs and had a glass of milk actually in my hand as I popped a jelly bean in my mouth. I chewed, and chewed and, bacon explosion! Out with the jelly bean, down with the milk. This left the lollipop and the popcorn. I wasn’t sure I could do it, but, I persevered and went for the Bacon Lollipop. Again, milk in hand, I gave the lollipop a few licks. It was tasty! It was sweet and had just a hint of bacon and, I liked it, I really liked it. My kids now wanted to try it but I told them they had to have a jelly bean and a gumball first. They declined.
Once the husband was home, I decided it was time to pop the popcorn. You know how, in an office, someone can pop popcorn on the other side of the building and you can smell it? Yeah, well I think my neighbors may have smelled the Bacon Pop right through the walls of my house. It smelled like the gumballs tasted and I was, um, terrified. I held my nose, grabbed a new glass of milk, and tried a few pieces. And then a few more. Another bacony success! If you can get past the overwhelming aroma, the darn stuff actually tastes really good.
So, in my quest for bacon I found two tasty treats in the lollipop and popcorn, and two that didn’t quite cut it in the gumballs and jelly beans. They are, however, the perfect thing to keep at your desk, luring in unsuspecting co-workers. Trust me, it’ll be good for a laugh. I even conned the kids over for a playdate yesterday into giving them a try and the looks on their faces, absolutely priceless. They did not like, except for one girl who liked the gumballs. She’s either exceptionally brave or crazy. I’ve yet to decide.
Ah, but what about the boy that started it all? What did James think? Well, oddly his Mom, who is a good friend, hasn’t responded to the texts I sent her about the bacon stuff. She must be really busy because she couldn’t possibly be ignoring me. I’m going to continue testing this on the neighborhood kids, but not to worry. Next time I see James I’ve saved a whole pile of bacon flavored tastiness for his geeky little heart.
Thanks to ThinkGeek for sending me (and James) all this bacon goodness!